This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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