running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
