how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
