my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
