Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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