I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
