i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
