Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I touched a dick in church today
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
