I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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