I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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