Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
