so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
