dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
