I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
