The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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