Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
God, you're like boner-b-gone
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
