You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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