Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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