awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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