I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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