I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
