I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
