I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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