omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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