FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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