Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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