The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
