It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
