Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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