The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
