The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize