Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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