wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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