I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
