He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
