I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
