i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
