Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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