I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
