im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
