he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
