i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
