You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I want to be your penis for a week.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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