nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize