booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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