I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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