Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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