You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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