We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
smell my finger.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
