Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
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