Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
