No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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