i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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