when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
