I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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