so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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