my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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