I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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