Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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