i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
