By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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