What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
