Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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