We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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