The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
