And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
