I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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